Being Tested

Ryan and I decided that in January of 2008 we would start trying to have a baby. Our first month ended in sadness when out attempt to get pregnant failed my sadnesses ended only because I thought for sure it will happen next month. So here we are in February only a few days before we would find out if our attempts worked. When our week of trials began. Ryan has been studying for the CPA tests for almost a year now. I have been trying hard the whole time to be supportive and give him the time that he needs to study. I think I just had a breakdown of sorts this week when I really just needed him to spend time with me. We finally working things out so that we could spend Saturday evening together (which I loved). But then there was Sunday. We did our taxes only to find out that instead of getting money back we have to pay a little over $600. Then we woke up on Monday to morning to find out that I didn't have the pregnancy test I thought I had. I went outside to my car to go buy one quickly before we both had to go to work only to find that my car would not start. That didn't deture me I took Ryan's car and bought one. I got home and took it and found out that I was not pregant. This time instead of sadness I felt only anger. Because my car wouldn't start we took Ryan's car to his clients and then I drove it to work. My day at work wasn't much better and neither was Ryan's. As Ryan and I drove home that night we talked about trials and how it would be so much easier if we understood why we had to go through them. I know if you are reading thing it probably doesn't seem that bad, but let me tell you it was devistating. The one thing we want in this whole world is to have a baby. Last month when we went to the temple Ryan and I both felt that we were making the wrong choice so I guess I just don't understand why it isn't happening. I only hope that I will someday know why we had to wait.



As a side note, we watched my sisters little baby on Friday night. She was sick and often starting screeming at the top of her lungs. At that point I couldn't handle her anymore and Ryan without me having to ask came and got her and knew what to do to calm her down. One of my biggests fears of becoming a mother is that I won't know what to do for my baby and it is so comforting to know that I have a husband to will and wants to help. I love him.